The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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