i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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