Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
