umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
