tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
