My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize