my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
