Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
