five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
