We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
