My liver just broke up with me...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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