I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
