The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
