maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
