Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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