I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
