I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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