oh god the rape fog is back!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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