Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
