Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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