Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
