Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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