I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Text me some of your sweat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
