Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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