I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
