Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize