I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
