I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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