It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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