Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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