Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
