based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
