so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
