I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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