im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have post one night stand depression
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