I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize