My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
