Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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