Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
