Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
