my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
