You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
