I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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