Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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