the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
