yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
