Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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