I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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