I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
