why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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