What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
