My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
