she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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