it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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