I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are the jesus of drinking
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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