I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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