I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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