Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
