I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
